So many questions...

I have SO many questions in this head of mine and I have no idea the answer to any of them. My fiance says he's stressed out... but try being stressed out, pregnant, and feeling worthless at the same time.

Is it wrong that I get upset that we cant even get thru ONE movie without him having to get on the phone?

Is it wrong that I want so bad to be pampered just a little bit (I mean... I know what I would do for someone that was going thru carrying a child... ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!)??

How can I afford whats about to happen??

How can I pay MORE bills than I have the means to? It's not that I dont want to, I want to contribute to the house and our lives more than anything but any extra that I'm making goes to just ONE bill that I didnt have before and then I'm right back where I was to begin with.

Is it wrong that I dont want to clean up his ice cream cup every freakin time he asks me to make him a milkshake or put his dishes/trash away after EVERY meal?

Is it wrong that I want dinner made for ME one night?

Is it wrong that I'm sick of being pregnant lol? I'm so ready for the next stage!

Is it wrong to just want some one on one time with my fiance? WITHOUT PHONES OR OTHER PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVING TO BE AROUND?? I know most of his call's have something to do with work but come on... is ONE movie with your pregnant fiance to much to ask?

I'm SO overwhelmed I dont know which way's up right now. I went from being in my parents house and having almost no responsibility other than my car payments, insurance, phone, and dogs to moving in to a new house where we have all the extra bills I've never had to deal with before. POWER BILL. DIRECT TV BILL. MORTGAGE PAYMENT. LAND PAYMENT. A CHILD ON THE WAY. A MORE EXPENSIVE PHONE BILL BC THERES 2 OF US. Lord knows what else im leaving out! I feel like such a burden and I HATE it! If I hadn't come into Casey's life he would have had 2 roommates to help out with the mortgage... thats at least $800 he would have had. He wouldnt have had a child coming into his life which is NO inexpensive endeavor. He wouldnt have me wanting all his time or a dog that gets on couch and sheds (which he despises). He wouldnt have had to get me an engagement ring or stress out about the bills as much. I just feel IN THE WAY like I always have. There's nothing that makes me a help... only a hinder... and its the worst feeling in the world. If I wasn't pregnant I could at least get a second job of some kind to help out which would also get me out of his way at home.

So what do I do? How do I get myself out of this "slump" before Ryder gets here so that I can try and be positive and the best role model for him possible? I want more than anything to be an amazing mother to him... but with all this stuff on my mind is that possible? It's about the only things that would make me feel worth anything.

Ok I'm done ranting for now. Thanks for listening... maybe one day I'll be able to figure something out.

Oh... but I do have to say that Casey is an amazing person that does try really hard to be 100% supportive. He wants to be the provider and definitely show's me that he cares. It's just the little things I'm missing :(

Excited about a Stroller??

Yep, you heard me right... who ever thought I'd get completely excited about getting a new stroller (travel set) lol!!! And guess who got it for me?? Or us I guess I should say. Casey!! See he's been getting me really interested in going to auctions. A few days ago when we went to an estate auction where a preacher and his family lost 6 bins (his entire house which was a multi million dollar house), they auctioned off a brand spankin new travel set!!! It has EVERYTHING :) and Casey won the bidding war at just $60!! What's this mean? Am I more excited and ready for this than I thought?

Having this child is a HUGE change in the way I was living my life... well kinda. I've always kind of been more of a stay at home girl anyways. I enjoyed smaller get together's and maybe going out a few times a mth and really throwin down with friends. But now... All I wanna do is get stuff for little Ryder or Casey or Kenly or whoever is in my tummy!!! Am I still nervous?? Definitely!!! But seeing the babies that friends of mine are having and getting to spend time with them makes me that much more excited to have one of my own. I feel right now like this is what I'm ment for... that this is what my whole life has prepared me for. I just hope I can do a good job at the most important thing I'll ever do in my life! And at the same time I hope Casey and I will continue to grow and get stronger together! Create an amazing environment for this new family to grow and flourish! I want to always be able to make him happy and take his worries away. I see more and more every day how lucky I am to have him. Even tho he does hog the bed, steals my favorite pillow, and farts all the time lol. I know I couldn't ask for anyone better to share my life and heart with.

Now for my complaint. And its stupid! Its selfish! And I cant understand why I'm struggling with it!! Why do I hate gaining the baby weight!? I know I can loose it as soon as I have him/her in April, but I HATE not being able to fit into all my cloths! Its frustrating! And I dislike not feeling as beautiful as possible for Casey. We're still so new that I always want to look my best for him. Although I know this is unavoidable and he tells me all the time that he loves the way I look, I still wish he could have had the "real" me for awhile longer before seeing me grow huge! See I told you it was ridiculous that im having this issue lol.

Anyways... I just wanna keep on keeping on. Try my hardest to keep a positive attitude. Stay true to myself. Keep my Lord and family in my heart. And always have a good time wherever I am!

Dinner for two please

Thats all I want... you can say im selfish if you think I am... but right now I need him. I still see all my dreams coming true but why do I at some points feel alone right now? I have my family constaintly around me all the time and everyone wanting to take care of me... but still I feel something pulling at me thats not quite right. I think its just alone time with Casey that I'm desiring. He's great, I promise he is, I know he'd do anything for me. Right now tho... there's alot of more important things going on with him thats taking all his time. His house plans are constaintly changing so he never knows what hes going to have to do next, he's always at his land working getting things ready, his friends are constaintly pulling at him making him feel bad that he's not just hangin out with them anymore, his amazing family takes him away some, work keeps him from me on all the other days when his phone actually rings, on the weekends there constaint freakin parties at my house and everyone begs him to stay out and party, the list can prob. go on and on...

But I'm selfish, I want him. I want him to want me as much as I want him and need him. For examply yesterday I really felt horrible, down, low ect. but I got to see him all of an hour. While I was trying to make some extra cash (and yea I know workin at north I dont make much, but every little bit helps me and this baby), he took a bath at his moms house, hung out with his family and then went to fox and the hound with all of his friends drinking. I was home by myself, sittin in bed, feelin like shit, and reading up on this Medicaid stuff so that I'm not in debt up to my eyeballs from just having this child. UGH! I guess I am a little selfish but I'm not like most other girls, I dont want to send him away on a business trip, I dont need my own space, I just want him! I know he needs time with his friends, I totally comprehend that guys need their guy time. But when can I have some alone time when hes not just comin home to take a shower, eat his oreos and milk, and pass out in bed? Is it just the pregnancy makin me this emotional?

I feel like this always happens to me... do I bring this upon myself? Am I just being irrational? Is my way of thinking skewed? I dunno, I'm confused to say the least. Not mad, angry, frusturated, just... down at the moment. I just went thru this with two other guys... they didnt have time for me, and it tore me apart. For some reason I want to be needed, desired as much as I desire the other person. Maybe with Casey he really does though? He says he does. But I've heard that before lol. I've heard it ALL before. Maybe my problem stems from the fact that casey and I are actually still a really new couple and I just want to get to know the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with on a deeper level. It's all happeneing so fast that I just want to take a time out and spend some time getting to know who he and I are together. Hopefully I'll be able to figure out all this mess thats going on in my head soon so I can just enjoy the blessings in my life right now.

I get to hear the heartbeat for the first time this afternoon!!! I cant wait to hear the life that we've made :) Maybe he/she can help to lift my spirits!! I just hope this being tired all the time will stop soon so I can keep my eyes open for more than 4 hours at a time lol. Week 13 here we come!

It's Real.

My dreams really do seem to be unfolding right before my eyes. Its something I've always wanted, an ultimate goal in my life, something that makes me feel more fulfilled and complete. Having a family and starting a life of my own away from my parents. Of course they'll still be a huge important part of my life, now I can really, in a way, find out what I'm capable of.

I realized all of this yesterday afternoon as I was sitting in the back of Casey's truck watching his beautiful house (our house so he says) being brought up the hill and watching him and his family watch in amazment as Casey's dream is also being fulfilled. It's real. This is a total change in my life and I'm enjoying every second! I have a great man on my side that loves me and who is 100% excited about the events happening in our lives, I'm having a baby (my miracle and blessing), I have an amazing family that has grown twice its size since I now consider Casey's family my own... everything just seems to be falling into place. For SO long I felt like there was a huge chuck of something, I couldnt figure it out, was missing. But now, its very obvious to me that I was missing Casey. Someone that truly does care and who I would do anything for. I was missing my other half.

I once was lost and now am found!

I'm nervous.... but I can't wait to see whats next in this roller coaster of a life im living right now!!!

Get out of my head!!

Stop! Please! All you worries, fears, concerns... DISAPPEAR and NEVER come back!!! Why are you in my head?? Where do you originate from?? I should be thrilled right now... happy that some of the dreams I had for myself are finally becoming reality. I'm having a child, starting a family of my very own, and am sharing my life with a man that's perfect for me. I have a crazy amount of support from every direction and I love my family as well as his.

But its all happened so fast...

I feel like I'm stealing all of the plans Casey had for himself and making him go down a completely different path. As soon as he woke up yesterday morning the first words out of his mouth as he looked at me were "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." WHY do I have to keep judging myself??? This first thing that flashed in my head when he said that is why? Why me? I'm not very special in any way. I look around and see what others can offer, like a career that can better help to support this child, some kind of talent, I dunno theres tons of things.... things that I dont have. I have a heart, yes, but where does that get me?

Casey has everything. He has a great heart, a great soul, can make you laugh at any moment, has goals and priorities, an amazing family, morals and standards that you dont see people these days carrying, hes handsome, he works hard for the things he has, career oriented but still keeps family as a #1 priority, always has a smile of his face, knows just what to say and when to say it, has a way with words, he has fun with whatever he's doing, has an amazing sense of humor, knows who he is and what he wants... I could go on an on an on.... hes practically "super Casey" (yea i know that's cheesy) in my mind! I know I have the most amazing guy out there far!!! But why does he want me?

Why do I continue to doubt myself? Why cant I just be happy and realize there IS a reason he wants me? All these fears I have are going to do nothing but tear me apart and hinder Casey and I from moving on to the next step. I know this... so why cant I just STOP?!?! Will he marry me one day? I dont want to push the topic with him since I feel like I'm already taking so much... but if were going to live together, we have this child together, we've had no arguments or disagreements what so ever, we both love each other, then why not get married or at least engaged? I know we haven't known each other for very long but I think sometimes you just known when somethings ment to be.

I have SO much fun when I'm with Casey! We can be alone just layin in bed and laugh the whole time, we can be around others (it doesnt matter who) doing god knows what and have a blast, it doesnt matter what we do or where we are it's always entertaining!! He makes me happier and more comfortable than anyone else ever has!! SO WHY am I struggling even just a little? AHHHHHH!!!

New Beginnings?

July and August... Wow! what a ride to say the least.

I've ended something in my life that did nothing but bring me down, and now I've found something that lifts me up more and more as time goes on. I still don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I have no solid career, I'm still living at home and working for my mom, and I'm still trying to completely comprehend who I really am and what I'm meant for. But does anyone really know what there meant to do? I dunno. The only thing I know for sure is that at this time in my life I'm living for one thing, to carry and have this child that's growing inside me.

When I found out that I was actually pregnant it came as a total shock.. its the very last thing I ever expected! But it happened and I couldn't ask for a better man than Casey for this be happening with. I'm just now approx. 7 weeks along and it has changed the way I think about EVERYTHING! But I'm scared. I dont know what to expect. I have no clue whats going to happen the next few mths, the mood swings I'm going to experience, the changes my body will go thru, how Casey will react. I'm scared not only because of this child but because I really havent known Casey that long. Will he really stand by me like others have said? I've dated some pretty harsh guys before that all put on a face at the beginning... that make me think there someone they're not... I always put all my faith in them and get let down and hurt. It has nothing to do with Casey because I want to have all the faith in the world in him, he really is someone I feel like I can trust with all my heart and soul... but I cant help but to think what if. I still cant get these creeping worries and thoughts in my head about if this child is actually his (even tho I'm almost 100%positive it is)... will he stick around if its not? I just need to stop... Casey is an amazing man, someone that I am lucky just to have in my life much less to have love me. Our morals, beliefs, and lives are so similar it scares me sometimes. He's the most devoted man that is full of heart, passionate that I know. He's carefree, caring, funny, outgoing, honest, full of life, smart, and every other positive adjective in the book that I cant think of right now!! I know the "new" feeling will wear off and we'll get out of the honeymoon stage, but I dont see us ever falling out of love. This is the first time I can honestly say I don't see anyone but him, and this family that we are starting.

What direction should I go in now? We want to move in together as soon as his house is complete, but what else should we do? I want him to want to be with me because hes in love with me, because he wants to be with me, not just for a child. Do we get married? How can I afford this child with the small amount of money I make? Am I even going to be a good mother? Should I get another job to save up before he/she is born?

Casey is SO excited to have a Casey baby... a little Jones to call his own, to love and cherish, and I know he'll be an amazing father. He's SO protective over me, always reminds me to take my vitamins, tells me he loves me a million times a day, shows me how much he wants to be with me with the little things he does, makes me lock the door when I stay in the truck somewhere, wont move the car until I have my seat belt on, he calls just to check on me, and spends all of his time with me once he's off work. So why do I question him? Just because of my past and for some stupid reason I'm questioning myself? I dont see what he sees in me, but I can promise him one thing. I will always treat him with the utmost respect, love and Cherish him, be completely devoted to him, always try and make him happy, always let him be Casey Jones without having to hold anything back, I'll always be honest to him and show him how much he means to me. Is it crazy that he means so much to me already?

Sorry my minds so all over the place...

When it comes to the little one growing inside of me it really is amazing how it changes the way you think, the things you do, the way you act immediately. It's not a problem for me to not drink, to not be around cigarettes, to not drink but one soda a day (which is what I lived off of lol), to take it easy and relax instead of being "wild and crazy", it came natural to stop actually thinking about myself and think about what I need to do for him/her to be happy and thrive once he's born, and to think about Casey. All I want now it to start this family and do everything in my power to make them love life like my family did for me.

Casey and I have SO much support from every direction that I dont know how we could not succeed. My family absolutely adors him and his family from what I can see at least seems to enjoy me. I feel at home at his parents house and being around his entire family and he seems to be able to make himself right at home with mine! I absolutely adore his parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews that I have gotten the privilege to meet! Everyone seems really happy for us.. there all excited and love the fact that we're going to be having another addition to the families (even though we could have handled this in a more traditional way... and gotten to know each other better before all of this happened). We've gotten tons of people offering to babysit and saying that they'd do whatever they could to help if we need it. So... why am I so worried? Is it just a normal thing?

LIES

Are all lies equal? Why do they have to hurt so bad? What's this mean?

I come to you with open arms, share my everything with you, treat you with respect and devotion, do for you what I would want someone to do for me, gave my heart once again and for what? Just to end up in the same place that I have been caught before? I've been through this... Ive been through the lies and the deceit. How can you hurt me just like I've been hurt so many times before! Please tell me what I did to deserve this! I share with you every small detail of myself, let you in when I didnt know it was possible to let yet another person know me this way. Vulnerable. It's like a never ending cycle that has no end. IM NOT A TOY! IM A PERSON! A person that just so happened to fall for the person that I thought you were! How can I get past this and move on? Can we still pursue this? Is there any point? Should I give my trust to you again? GOD I FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN AND SO COMPLETELY LOST!

I want to be anyone but me right now.

How can I like you so much? How can I crave your attention, your touch, desire to have you in my life or even dream about having you as my one and only for the rest of my life if you can just lie to me like this? How do you expect me to think you care about me at all? Am I disrespecting myself by thinking its possible to continue on this road? How am I ever supposed to feel as if im enough now? I already had these fears and insecurities... and now I'm stuck wondering if I'm what you really want.

Look I know I'm far from perfect... but I mean the words I say when I tell you that I care about you, when I say that you deserve the world. I would NEVER do this to you though!! I would never make you second guess my love for you by doing something so stupid and selfish! One lie leades to another so what else are you not telling me?!?! Is this impossible? My heart is PURE so quit fucking with it!!!

Do this to me one more time... I dare you!!! You have me right now but on a thin string. My heart still yells for you but at the same time I cannot let it be broken AGAIN. Its wierd not being mad... to just be completely disappointed in everything I thought that was. Can this be overcome or am I being rediculous for still standing here? Am I fighting another loosing battle thats going to end up with another piece of myself being voided?? I want you MF but you have no clue how bad I'm fighting myself to stay in this... I have all the hope in the world for us... but I will NOT be put through LIES.