Masochist

The definition of a masochist is someone who takes pleasure in being abused or dominated; a taste for suffering.

Is this me? Do I bring this pain on myself?

No matter where I turn I feel like what I do... is just wrong. I want this man in my life, I want to make him happy, I want things to work out for the best for both of us, I want to be the person that can make him smile no matter what... the person that takes all his worries away, someone that he looks forward to seeing and coming home too. I want to FINALLY be enough for someone!! Is that freakin possible?? I feel trapped inside myself... damn if I do damn if i don't kind of thing. I hate asking for things, call me ol' fashioned, and I'm not always successful in portraying all of my feelings. But, I do in one way or another try and let him know whats going on in this crazy mind of mine, why I feel the way I do, and what I need to be happy. Am I just not saying it the right way? How else can I prove to him that I'm fine with a certain thing he does but honestly just need to know that I'm WANTED, that I'm as important to him as he is to me??

I love the things I see in him. Hes strong mentally, is family oriented, honest (for the most part... i just cant get one stupid little thing out of my head), has a way with words, loves animals, is secure with who he is, he knows himself (something a lot of people don't accomplish... myself included), stands up for what he believes in, has both book smarts and street smarts, is a jack of all trades, makes me feel safe, I could go on for days and days with a list of all the big and small things I love about him. But why do I feel like he couldn't sit here and list things he sees in me? Does that mean I'm not in the right place?

I'm not one to just give up, I fight until I'm dead inside and stay until the very end. This man... he's one in millions and I feel lucky to have him as my partner. But even though I feel this way can I just be another fish in the sea to him? Is there someone out there who's could be better for him? I really want to show him the world and its as if all I can do is add to the stresses he already has in his life. I could cry a river right now about all these issues I have in my head but after many hardships I have gone through I think I'm fresh out of tears. I know theres people out there that have had it A LOT rougher than I have... but I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not right for anyone.

Well my computers about die but hopefully when I wake up I can start fresh? Try my hardest to just think positive and accept things for the way they are. Can my fairy tale finally come true... or am I just going to end up with a broken heart again (the only one to be hurt once AGAIN)??

Am I a masochist?

I could really use a wish right now (taken from Airplanes by BOB)

Worthy?

"In order to receive love you have to believe you are worthy of it."

I've had this quote in my head for a few days now... and I cannot stop thinking about its relevance in my life. Am I worthy of love? If anyone ever asked that question to me about themselves I would say, "of course you are... everyone is worthy of love! Its a gift given to us by the one above!" But when I think about myself it makes me wonder. Every time I turn around another "friend" is getting engaged, married, putting up status' referring to how happy in love they are, posting pictures of themselves and their significant others showing how happy they are, etc., I'm sure you understand where I'm going with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but it kind of sucks at the same time because they have something I want. Wow I sound greedy! It's a dream of mine (that I don't know will ever come true) to have someone that truly cares about me the same as I care about them... someone that respects, loves, honors, cares, and has the same passion in their heart for me as I do for them.

It's probably a dream that every girl has.... to find a man, fall in love, get married, start a family, and live happily ever after (hahahaha fairy tale in my mind at this point). I've gotten to experience a lot when it comes to "love" (I'm putting in quotes simply because my view of the term has changed so much over time to the point that I don't know if I even know what it means anymore), I've had guys tell me they love me, I've said it to guys I fell for, I've had an amazing time and then the worst times of my life with someone that has said those words to me. Why does everything I put my heart into always fail? It's haunting me... am I not worthy?

Once again I have fallen, and fallen pretty hard for a man, and I cannot figure out if his heart and mine are in the same place. We're still brand new as a couple, but I'm already conflicted, I feel as if I care more about him than he does about me. Maybe this is my fault... I fall way to hard way to fast and give myself 100 percent to the person I'm with. I strive to do everything in my power to make him happy, and do for him as I would want someone to do for me. I let my insecurities take hold of my actions far to much as well. For example, I worry from the beginning about what I'm doing wrong to the point where I actually do do something wrong. Its an endless cycle that's relentless.

Why can I not stop thinking about my past and the bad things I've experienced, stop bringing my faults into my new relationships, and find someone that loves me for me? I am willing to give my heart completely to my boyfriend, let go of my fears, let him in to my life and who I am without all my worries so he can know the real girl behind them, break down my wall and just be happy to have him in my life, share every intimate detail with him, show him how much I know he deserves, treat him like a prince... but how can I do this with the feeling that I'm not worthy?

I am only an ordinary girl, I have a huge heart, I'm quiet at times unless you talk about something that I'm really passionate about, I have a thirst for doing anything I can to make those I care about happy, I'm honest with my feelings and everything else, I love living in the moment and making the most of what I have... but lately... it feels like I could disappear and it wouldn't matter. I'm already lost, in all the insanities that creep into my mind. So why not completely vanish. How do I feel worthy again so that I can receive the love I desperately desire?

Blue October

Picking up Pieces

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein
That keeps my lifeline flowing thru
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I donÂ’t feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure flaw

I find it hard to hold conversation
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
Its not you its strictly me in this situation
IÂ’m wondering will it ever go awayÂ…just go away

sometimes I feel like weeping
awake and when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door
spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces
How long will I be picking up my heart

I’ll be as honest as I feel
I’m getting more paranoid and I’m hearing things
And they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It’s just so heavy all the time

Yea I’m scared of death
And I’m scared of living
I gave up on the past cause itÂ’s unforgiving
I misplaced my trust

I watched my word begin to rust
I’m a balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving

But sometimes I feel like weeping
awake and when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door
spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces
How long will I be picking up my heart

How long (in another space and time)
Will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long (its getting oh so hard to find)
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
But I still walk on

*** One of my fav. songs at the moment ***

Trust...

Is trust something that should be earned or just given?

I consider myself a Christian... now I admit there's things that I need to work on to make that bond between the Lord and I infinitely stronger... but when it comes to trust I hear the lords words:

Psalm 118:8
It is better to trust in the LORD
than to put confidence in man.
Psalm 118:9
It is better to take refuge in the LORD Than to trust in princes.

As much as it pains me to say this... I'm having a hard time trusting even with my beliefs. Honestly I'm even having a hard time trusting myself! Am I making the right decisions? I realize that everyone goes through major struggles in their life that make them feel, think, react, and understand things differently than any other human being in the world. But some of the things I've been through make me wonder if you should simply give away trust to the people that come into your life, or if you should protect yourself and make them earn it.

How do you let go of the past, get over the fact that people that have let you down (which will happen your entire life), and open your heart to believe in someone? So many time I have put my heart out there and been let down, stepped on, disappointed. So, its hard to just let go and understand that maybe the important people really do like me for who I am. But do they really know the real me if I'm hiding behind my insecurities? Who am I? It's like I've built this shield around my heart and soul... and I truly believe that it's hurting me more that protecting me! I'm always second guessing myself and whats going on around me, I'm scared of disappointing someone to the point where my insecurities end up making things worse because I worry to much, and I'm constantly wondering if I'm worth someones time.

So not only does my past affect me, my frame of mind at this time in my life is also hurting me. It's not fair at all to those who I hold close to my heart that I feel this way. It makes us more distant and is almost as if I'm keeping them an arms distance away so that nothing can get to me. I have to stop this madness somehow and pull out of this state of mind but I just dont know how. I let people in, but only to a certain degree, once I reach a certain point in the relationship I start tearing myself down by worrying about what if...

Why, why am I making someone earn my trust now instead of just being the person I really am and giving them all of me? I trust that the Lord will bring me the person that I am meant to be with, and he may already be in my life, but how can I just open up and live my life the best way possible with all this in my head?

I need to just be thankful for the things that I do have in my life. I have an AMAZING family whose hearts are pure, two beautiful dogs, a job that supports my needs, endless possibilities ahead, I'm almost finished with my masters degree, I practically have no debt minus a school loan, love in my heart, and the list could go on and on but that's not the purpose of this post lol.
I know I'm a unique individual whose thinks about others before myself, but I just feel so lost at this point in time.

How to I show the man in my life the real me and stop letting my fears take control? How do I get out of this mentality that everything I do is wrong? I want SO bad to live in the moment, for the future, instead of letting my past dictate my life. I just want to be different... I want someone to see me differently than they do everyone else. I want to be able to show him the passion that he deserves and finally give my whole heart to someone who respects me for me.

How do I get back to reality? Why am I here? I want to be me again.

I AM…

I am what you have put into me.
That would make me what you want me to be.
So I Guess that would make me none of the above,
Because I’m filled with innocence,
I’m filled with love.
I hide behind insecurities.
I’m always out to please.
Emotions run wild
Like that of a child
Pain is building deep inside,
But that is where it will reside,
This way no one else will get in.
It’s not possible for them to win
No not any more,
Because I’ve evened the score.
I am what I’ve become through this life,
Through all of this joy, through all of this strife.
I am nothing less than what I would want to be
I am fear let loose, fearless would be wrong,
I am me
Am I what you want me to be?
This does not matter because
I am me.