Excited about a Stroller??

Yep, you heard me right... who ever thought I'd get completely excited about getting a new stroller (travel set) lol!!! And guess who got it for me?? Or us I guess I should say. Casey!! See he's been getting me really interested in going to auctions. A few days ago when we went to an estate auction where a preacher and his family lost 6 bins (his entire house which was a multi million dollar house), they auctioned off a brand spankin new travel set!!! It has EVERYTHING :) and Casey won the bidding war at just $60!! What's this mean? Am I more excited and ready for this than I thought?

Having this child is a HUGE change in the way I was living my life... well kinda. I've always kind of been more of a stay at home girl anyways. I enjoyed smaller get together's and maybe going out a few times a mth and really throwin down with friends. But now... All I wanna do is get stuff for little Ryder or Casey or Kenly or whoever is in my tummy!!! Am I still nervous?? Definitely!!! But seeing the babies that friends of mine are having and getting to spend time with them makes me that much more excited to have one of my own. I feel right now like this is what I'm ment for... that this is what my whole life has prepared me for. I just hope I can do a good job at the most important thing I'll ever do in my life! And at the same time I hope Casey and I will continue to grow and get stronger together! Create an amazing environment for this new family to grow and flourish! I want to always be able to make him happy and take his worries away. I see more and more every day how lucky I am to have him. Even tho he does hog the bed, steals my favorite pillow, and farts all the time lol. I know I couldn't ask for anyone better to share my life and heart with.

Now for my complaint. And its stupid! Its selfish! And I cant understand why I'm struggling with it!! Why do I hate gaining the baby weight!? I know I can loose it as soon as I have him/her in April, but I HATE not being able to fit into all my cloths! Its frustrating! And I dislike not feeling as beautiful as possible for Casey. We're still so new that I always want to look my best for him. Although I know this is unavoidable and he tells me all the time that he loves the way I look, I still wish he could have had the "real" me for awhile longer before seeing me grow huge! See I told you it was ridiculous that im having this issue lol.

Anyways... I just wanna keep on keeping on. Try my hardest to keep a positive attitude. Stay true to myself. Keep my Lord and family in my heart. And always have a good time wherever I am!

Dinner for two please

Thats all I want... you can say im selfish if you think I am... but right now I need him. I still see all my dreams coming true but why do I at some points feel alone right now? I have my family constaintly around me all the time and everyone wanting to take care of me... but still I feel something pulling at me thats not quite right. I think its just alone time with Casey that I'm desiring. He's great, I promise he is, I know he'd do anything for me. Right now tho... there's alot of more important things going on with him thats taking all his time. His house plans are constaintly changing so he never knows what hes going to have to do next, he's always at his land working getting things ready, his friends are constaintly pulling at him making him feel bad that he's not just hangin out with them anymore, his amazing family takes him away some, work keeps him from me on all the other days when his phone actually rings, on the weekends there constaint freakin parties at my house and everyone begs him to stay out and party, the list can prob. go on and on...

But I'm selfish, I want him. I want him to want me as much as I want him and need him. For examply yesterday I really felt horrible, down, low ect. but I got to see him all of an hour. While I was trying to make some extra cash (and yea I know workin at north I dont make much, but every little bit helps me and this baby), he took a bath at his moms house, hung out with his family and then went to fox and the hound with all of his friends drinking. I was home by myself, sittin in bed, feelin like shit, and reading up on this Medicaid stuff so that I'm not in debt up to my eyeballs from just having this child. UGH! I guess I am a little selfish but I'm not like most other girls, I dont want to send him away on a business trip, I dont need my own space, I just want him! I know he needs time with his friends, I totally comprehend that guys need their guy time. But when can I have some alone time when hes not just comin home to take a shower, eat his oreos and milk, and pass out in bed? Is it just the pregnancy makin me this emotional?

I feel like this always happens to me... do I bring this upon myself? Am I just being irrational? Is my way of thinking skewed? I dunno, I'm confused to say the least. Not mad, angry, frusturated, just... down at the moment. I just went thru this with two other guys... they didnt have time for me, and it tore me apart. For some reason I want to be needed, desired as much as I desire the other person. Maybe with Casey he really does though? He says he does. But I've heard that before lol. I've heard it ALL before. Maybe my problem stems from the fact that casey and I are actually still a really new couple and I just want to get to know the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with on a deeper level. It's all happeneing so fast that I just want to take a time out and spend some time getting to know who he and I are together. Hopefully I'll be able to figure out all this mess thats going on in my head soon so I can just enjoy the blessings in my life right now.

I get to hear the heartbeat for the first time this afternoon!!! I cant wait to hear the life that we've made :) Maybe he/she can help to lift my spirits!! I just hope this being tired all the time will stop soon so I can keep my eyes open for more than 4 hours at a time lol. Week 13 here we come!

It's Real.

My dreams really do seem to be unfolding right before my eyes. Its something I've always wanted, an ultimate goal in my life, something that makes me feel more fulfilled and complete. Having a family and starting a life of my own away from my parents. Of course they'll still be a huge important part of my life, now I can really, in a way, find out what I'm capable of.

I realized all of this yesterday afternoon as I was sitting in the back of Casey's truck watching his beautiful house (our house so he says) being brought up the hill and watching him and his family watch in amazment as Casey's dream is also being fulfilled. It's real. This is a total change in my life and I'm enjoying every second! I have a great man on my side that loves me and who is 100% excited about the events happening in our lives, I'm having a baby (my miracle and blessing), I have an amazing family that has grown twice its size since I now consider Casey's family my own... everything just seems to be falling into place. For SO long I felt like there was a huge chuck of something, I couldnt figure it out, was missing. But now, its very obvious to me that I was missing Casey. Someone that truly does care and who I would do anything for. I was missing my other half.

I once was lost and now am found!

I'm nervous.... but I can't wait to see whats next in this roller coaster of a life im living right now!!!

Get out of my head!!

Stop! Please! All you worries, fears, concerns... DISAPPEAR and NEVER come back!!! Why are you in my head?? Where do you originate from?? I should be thrilled right now... happy that some of the dreams I had for myself are finally becoming reality. I'm having a child, starting a family of my very own, and am sharing my life with a man that's perfect for me. I have a crazy amount of support from every direction and I love my family as well as his.

But its all happened so fast...

I feel like I'm stealing all of the plans Casey had for himself and making him go down a completely different path. As soon as he woke up yesterday morning the first words out of his mouth as he looked at me were "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." WHY do I have to keep judging myself??? This first thing that flashed in my head when he said that is why? Why me? I'm not very special in any way. I look around and see what others can offer, like a career that can better help to support this child, some kind of talent, I dunno theres tons of things.... things that I dont have. I have a heart, yes, but where does that get me?

Casey has everything. He has a great heart, a great soul, can make you laugh at any moment, has goals and priorities, an amazing family, morals and standards that you dont see people these days carrying, hes handsome, he works hard for the things he has, career oriented but still keeps family as a #1 priority, always has a smile of his face, knows just what to say and when to say it, has a way with words, he has fun with whatever he's doing, has an amazing sense of humor, knows who he is and what he wants... I could go on an on an on.... hes practically "super Casey" (yea i know that's cheesy) in my mind! I know I have the most amazing guy out there far!!! But why does he want me?

Why do I continue to doubt myself? Why cant I just be happy and realize there IS a reason he wants me? All these fears I have are going to do nothing but tear me apart and hinder Casey and I from moving on to the next step. I know this... so why cant I just STOP?!?! Will he marry me one day? I dont want to push the topic with him since I feel like I'm already taking so much... but if were going to live together, we have this child together, we've had no arguments or disagreements what so ever, we both love each other, then why not get married or at least engaged? I know we haven't known each other for very long but I think sometimes you just known when somethings ment to be.

I have SO much fun when I'm with Casey! We can be alone just layin in bed and laugh the whole time, we can be around others (it doesnt matter who) doing god knows what and have a blast, it doesnt matter what we do or where we are it's always entertaining!! He makes me happier and more comfortable than anyone else ever has!! SO WHY am I struggling even just a little? AHHHHHH!!!

New Beginnings?

July and August... Wow! what a ride to say the least.

I've ended something in my life that did nothing but bring me down, and now I've found something that lifts me up more and more as time goes on. I still don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I have no solid career, I'm still living at home and working for my mom, and I'm still trying to completely comprehend who I really am and what I'm meant for. But does anyone really know what there meant to do? I dunno. The only thing I know for sure is that at this time in my life I'm living for one thing, to carry and have this child that's growing inside me.

When I found out that I was actually pregnant it came as a total shock.. its the very last thing I ever expected! But it happened and I couldn't ask for a better man than Casey for this be happening with. I'm just now approx. 7 weeks along and it has changed the way I think about EVERYTHING! But I'm scared. I dont know what to expect. I have no clue whats going to happen the next few mths, the mood swings I'm going to experience, the changes my body will go thru, how Casey will react. I'm scared not only because of this child but because I really havent known Casey that long. Will he really stand by me like others have said? I've dated some pretty harsh guys before that all put on a face at the beginning... that make me think there someone they're not... I always put all my faith in them and get let down and hurt. It has nothing to do with Casey because I want to have all the faith in the world in him, he really is someone I feel like I can trust with all my heart and soul... but I cant help but to think what if. I still cant get these creeping worries and thoughts in my head about if this child is actually his (even tho I'm almost 100%positive it is)... will he stick around if its not? I just need to stop... Casey is an amazing man, someone that I am lucky just to have in my life much less to have love me. Our morals, beliefs, and lives are so similar it scares me sometimes. He's the most devoted man that is full of heart, passionate that I know. He's carefree, caring, funny, outgoing, honest, full of life, smart, and every other positive adjective in the book that I cant think of right now!! I know the "new" feeling will wear off and we'll get out of the honeymoon stage, but I dont see us ever falling out of love. This is the first time I can honestly say I don't see anyone but him, and this family that we are starting.

What direction should I go in now? We want to move in together as soon as his house is complete, but what else should we do? I want him to want to be with me because hes in love with me, because he wants to be with me, not just for a child. Do we get married? How can I afford this child with the small amount of money I make? Am I even going to be a good mother? Should I get another job to save up before he/she is born?

Casey is SO excited to have a Casey baby... a little Jones to call his own, to love and cherish, and I know he'll be an amazing father. He's SO protective over me, always reminds me to take my vitamins, tells me he loves me a million times a day, shows me how much he wants to be with me with the little things he does, makes me lock the door when I stay in the truck somewhere, wont move the car until I have my seat belt on, he calls just to check on me, and spends all of his time with me once he's off work. So why do I question him? Just because of my past and for some stupid reason I'm questioning myself? I dont see what he sees in me, but I can promise him one thing. I will always treat him with the utmost respect, love and Cherish him, be completely devoted to him, always try and make him happy, always let him be Casey Jones without having to hold anything back, I'll always be honest to him and show him how much he means to me. Is it crazy that he means so much to me already?

Sorry my minds so all over the place...

When it comes to the little one growing inside of me it really is amazing how it changes the way you think, the things you do, the way you act immediately. It's not a problem for me to not drink, to not be around cigarettes, to not drink but one soda a day (which is what I lived off of lol), to take it easy and relax instead of being "wild and crazy", it came natural to stop actually thinking about myself and think about what I need to do for him/her to be happy and thrive once he's born, and to think about Casey. All I want now it to start this family and do everything in my power to make them love life like my family did for me.

Casey and I have SO much support from every direction that I dont know how we could not succeed. My family absolutely adors him and his family from what I can see at least seems to enjoy me. I feel at home at his parents house and being around his entire family and he seems to be able to make himself right at home with mine! I absolutely adore his parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews that I have gotten the privilege to meet! Everyone seems really happy for us.. there all excited and love the fact that we're going to be having another addition to the families (even though we could have handled this in a more traditional way... and gotten to know each other better before all of this happened). We've gotten tons of people offering to babysit and saying that they'd do whatever they could to help if we need it. So... why am I so worried? Is it just a normal thing?

LIES

Are all lies equal? Why do they have to hurt so bad? What's this mean?

I come to you with open arms, share my everything with you, treat you with respect and devotion, do for you what I would want someone to do for me, gave my heart once again and for what? Just to end up in the same place that I have been caught before? I've been through this... Ive been through the lies and the deceit. How can you hurt me just like I've been hurt so many times before! Please tell me what I did to deserve this! I share with you every small detail of myself, let you in when I didnt know it was possible to let yet another person know me this way. Vulnerable. It's like a never ending cycle that has no end. IM NOT A TOY! IM A PERSON! A person that just so happened to fall for the person that I thought you were! How can I get past this and move on? Can we still pursue this? Is there any point? Should I give my trust to you again? GOD I FEEL LIKE BREAKING DOWN AND SO COMPLETELY LOST!

I want to be anyone but me right now.

How can I like you so much? How can I crave your attention, your touch, desire to have you in my life or even dream about having you as my one and only for the rest of my life if you can just lie to me like this? How do you expect me to think you care about me at all? Am I disrespecting myself by thinking its possible to continue on this road? How am I ever supposed to feel as if im enough now? I already had these fears and insecurities... and now I'm stuck wondering if I'm what you really want.

Look I know I'm far from perfect... but I mean the words I say when I tell you that I care about you, when I say that you deserve the world. I would NEVER do this to you though!! I would never make you second guess my love for you by doing something so stupid and selfish! One lie leades to another so what else are you not telling me?!?! Is this impossible? My heart is PURE so quit fucking with it!!!

Do this to me one more time... I dare you!!! You have me right now but on a thin string. My heart still yells for you but at the same time I cannot let it be broken AGAIN. Its wierd not being mad... to just be completely disappointed in everything I thought that was. Can this be overcome or am I being rediculous for still standing here? Am I fighting another loosing battle thats going to end up with another piece of myself being voided?? I want you MF but you have no clue how bad I'm fighting myself to stay in this... I have all the hope in the world for us... but I will NOT be put through LIES.

Masochist

The definition of a masochist is someone who takes pleasure in being abused or dominated; a taste for suffering.

Is this me? Do I bring this pain on myself?

No matter where I turn I feel like what I do... is just wrong. I want this man in my life, I want to make him happy, I want things to work out for the best for both of us, I want to be the person that can make him smile no matter what... the person that takes all his worries away, someone that he looks forward to seeing and coming home too. I want to FINALLY be enough for someone!! Is that freakin possible?? I feel trapped inside myself... damn if I do damn if i don't kind of thing. I hate asking for things, call me ol' fashioned, and I'm not always successful in portraying all of my feelings. But, I do in one way or another try and let him know whats going on in this crazy mind of mine, why I feel the way I do, and what I need to be happy. Am I just not saying it the right way? How else can I prove to him that I'm fine with a certain thing he does but honestly just need to know that I'm WANTED, that I'm as important to him as he is to me??

I love the things I see in him. Hes strong mentally, is family oriented, honest (for the most part... i just cant get one stupid little thing out of my head), has a way with words, loves animals, is secure with who he is, he knows himself (something a lot of people don't accomplish... myself included), stands up for what he believes in, has both book smarts and street smarts, is a jack of all trades, makes me feel safe, I could go on for days and days with a list of all the big and small things I love about him. But why do I feel like he couldn't sit here and list things he sees in me? Does that mean I'm not in the right place?

I'm not one to just give up, I fight until I'm dead inside and stay until the very end. This man... he's one in millions and I feel lucky to have him as my partner. But even though I feel this way can I just be another fish in the sea to him? Is there someone out there who's could be better for him? I really want to show him the world and its as if all I can do is add to the stresses he already has in his life. I could cry a river right now about all these issues I have in my head but after many hardships I have gone through I think I'm fresh out of tears. I know theres people out there that have had it A LOT rougher than I have... but I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not right for anyone.

Well my computers about die but hopefully when I wake up I can start fresh? Try my hardest to just think positive and accept things for the way they are. Can my fairy tale finally come true... or am I just going to end up with a broken heart again (the only one to be hurt once AGAIN)??

Am I a masochist?

I could really use a wish right now (taken from Airplanes by BOB)

Worthy?

"In order to receive love you have to believe you are worthy of it."

I've had this quote in my head for a few days now... and I cannot stop thinking about its relevance in my life. Am I worthy of love? If anyone ever asked that question to me about themselves I would say, "of course you are... everyone is worthy of love! Its a gift given to us by the one above!" But when I think about myself it makes me wonder. Every time I turn around another "friend" is getting engaged, married, putting up status' referring to how happy in love they are, posting pictures of themselves and their significant others showing how happy they are, etc., I'm sure you understand where I'm going with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but it kind of sucks at the same time because they have something I want. Wow I sound greedy! It's a dream of mine (that I don't know will ever come true) to have someone that truly cares about me the same as I care about them... someone that respects, loves, honors, cares, and has the same passion in their heart for me as I do for them.

It's probably a dream that every girl has.... to find a man, fall in love, get married, start a family, and live happily ever after (hahahaha fairy tale in my mind at this point). I've gotten to experience a lot when it comes to "love" (I'm putting in quotes simply because my view of the term has changed so much over time to the point that I don't know if I even know what it means anymore), I've had guys tell me they love me, I've said it to guys I fell for, I've had an amazing time and then the worst times of my life with someone that has said those words to me. Why does everything I put my heart into always fail? It's haunting me... am I not worthy?

Once again I have fallen, and fallen pretty hard for a man, and I cannot figure out if his heart and mine are in the same place. We're still brand new as a couple, but I'm already conflicted, I feel as if I care more about him than he does about me. Maybe this is my fault... I fall way to hard way to fast and give myself 100 percent to the person I'm with. I strive to do everything in my power to make him happy, and do for him as I would want someone to do for me. I let my insecurities take hold of my actions far to much as well. For example, I worry from the beginning about what I'm doing wrong to the point where I actually do do something wrong. Its an endless cycle that's relentless.

Why can I not stop thinking about my past and the bad things I've experienced, stop bringing my faults into my new relationships, and find someone that loves me for me? I am willing to give my heart completely to my boyfriend, let go of my fears, let him in to my life and who I am without all my worries so he can know the real girl behind them, break down my wall and just be happy to have him in my life, share every intimate detail with him, show him how much I know he deserves, treat him like a prince... but how can I do this with the feeling that I'm not worthy?

I am only an ordinary girl, I have a huge heart, I'm quiet at times unless you talk about something that I'm really passionate about, I have a thirst for doing anything I can to make those I care about happy, I'm honest with my feelings and everything else, I love living in the moment and making the most of what I have... but lately... it feels like I could disappear and it wouldn't matter. I'm already lost, in all the insanities that creep into my mind. So why not completely vanish. How do I feel worthy again so that I can receive the love I desperately desire?

Blue October

Picking up Pieces

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein
That keeps my lifeline flowing thru
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I donÂ’t feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure flaw

I find it hard to hold conversation
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
Its not you its strictly me in this situation
IÂ’m wondering will it ever go awayÂ…just go away

sometimes I feel like weeping
awake and when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door
spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces
How long will I be picking up my heart

I’ll be as honest as I feel
I’m getting more paranoid and I’m hearing things
And they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It’s just so heavy all the time

Yea I’m scared of death
And I’m scared of living
I gave up on the past cause itÂ’s unforgiving
I misplaced my trust

I watched my word begin to rust
I’m a balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving

But sometimes I feel like weeping
awake and when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door
spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces
How long will I be picking up my heart

How long (in another space and time)
Will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long (its getting oh so hard to find)
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
But I still walk on

*** One of my fav. songs at the moment ***

Trust...

Is trust something that should be earned or just given?

I consider myself a Christian... now I admit there's things that I need to work on to make that bond between the Lord and I infinitely stronger... but when it comes to trust I hear the lords words:

Psalm 118:8
It is better to trust in the LORD
than to put confidence in man.
Psalm 118:9
It is better to take refuge in the LORD Than to trust in princes.

As much as it pains me to say this... I'm having a hard time trusting even with my beliefs. Honestly I'm even having a hard time trusting myself! Am I making the right decisions? I realize that everyone goes through major struggles in their life that make them feel, think, react, and understand things differently than any other human being in the world. But some of the things I've been through make me wonder if you should simply give away trust to the people that come into your life, or if you should protect yourself and make them earn it.

How do you let go of the past, get over the fact that people that have let you down (which will happen your entire life), and open your heart to believe in someone? So many time I have put my heart out there and been let down, stepped on, disappointed. So, its hard to just let go and understand that maybe the important people really do like me for who I am. But do they really know the real me if I'm hiding behind my insecurities? Who am I? It's like I've built this shield around my heart and soul... and I truly believe that it's hurting me more that protecting me! I'm always second guessing myself and whats going on around me, I'm scared of disappointing someone to the point where my insecurities end up making things worse because I worry to much, and I'm constantly wondering if I'm worth someones time.

So not only does my past affect me, my frame of mind at this time in my life is also hurting me. It's not fair at all to those who I hold close to my heart that I feel this way. It makes us more distant and is almost as if I'm keeping them an arms distance away so that nothing can get to me. I have to stop this madness somehow and pull out of this state of mind but I just dont know how. I let people in, but only to a certain degree, once I reach a certain point in the relationship I start tearing myself down by worrying about what if...

Why, why am I making someone earn my trust now instead of just being the person I really am and giving them all of me? I trust that the Lord will bring me the person that I am meant to be with, and he may already be in my life, but how can I just open up and live my life the best way possible with all this in my head?

I need to just be thankful for the things that I do have in my life. I have an AMAZING family whose hearts are pure, two beautiful dogs, a job that supports my needs, endless possibilities ahead, I'm almost finished with my masters degree, I practically have no debt minus a school loan, love in my heart, and the list could go on and on but that's not the purpose of this post lol.
I know I'm a unique individual whose thinks about others before myself, but I just feel so lost at this point in time.

How to I show the man in my life the real me and stop letting my fears take control? How do I get out of this mentality that everything I do is wrong? I want SO bad to live in the moment, for the future, instead of letting my past dictate my life. I just want to be different... I want someone to see me differently than they do everyone else. I want to be able to show him the passion that he deserves and finally give my whole heart to someone who respects me for me.

How do I get back to reality? Why am I here? I want to be me again.

I AM…

I am what you have put into me.
That would make me what you want me to be.
So I Guess that would make me none of the above,
Because I’m filled with innocence,
I’m filled with love.
I hide behind insecurities.
I’m always out to please.
Emotions run wild
Like that of a child
Pain is building deep inside,
But that is where it will reside,
This way no one else will get in.
It’s not possible for them to win
No not any more,
Because I’ve evened the score.
I am what I’ve become through this life,
Through all of this joy, through all of this strife.
I am nothing less than what I would want to be
I am fear let loose, fearless would be wrong,
I am me
Am I what you want me to be?
This does not matter because
I am me.