Masochist

The definition of a masochist is someone who takes pleasure in being abused or dominated; a taste for suffering.

Is this me? Do I bring this pain on myself?

No matter where I turn I feel like what I do... is just wrong. I want this man in my life, I want to make him happy, I want things to work out for the best for both of us, I want to be the person that can make him smile no matter what... the person that takes all his worries away, someone that he looks forward to seeing and coming home too. I want to FINALLY be enough for someone!! Is that freakin possible?? I feel trapped inside myself... damn if I do damn if i don't kind of thing. I hate asking for things, call me ol' fashioned, and I'm not always successful in portraying all of my feelings. But, I do in one way or another try and let him know whats going on in this crazy mind of mine, why I feel the way I do, and what I need to be happy. Am I just not saying it the right way? How else can I prove to him that I'm fine with a certain thing he does but honestly just need to know that I'm WANTED, that I'm as important to him as he is to me??

I love the things I see in him. Hes strong mentally, is family oriented, honest (for the most part... i just cant get one stupid little thing out of my head), has a way with words, loves animals, is secure with who he is, he knows himself (something a lot of people don't accomplish... myself included), stands up for what he believes in, has both book smarts and street smarts, is a jack of all trades, makes me feel safe, I could go on for days and days with a list of all the big and small things I love about him. But why do I feel like he couldn't sit here and list things he sees in me? Does that mean I'm not in the right place?

I'm not one to just give up, I fight until I'm dead inside and stay until the very end. This man... he's one in millions and I feel lucky to have him as my partner. But even though I feel this way can I just be another fish in the sea to him? Is there someone out there who's could be better for him? I really want to show him the world and its as if all I can do is add to the stresses he already has in his life. I could cry a river right now about all these issues I have in my head but after many hardships I have gone through I think I'm fresh out of tears. I know theres people out there that have had it A LOT rougher than I have... but I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not right for anyone.

Well my computers about die but hopefully when I wake up I can start fresh? Try my hardest to just think positive and accept things for the way they are. Can my fairy tale finally come true... or am I just going to end up with a broken heart again (the only one to be hurt once AGAIN)??

Am I a masochist?

I could really use a wish right now (taken from Airplanes by BOB)