Stop! Please! All you worries, fears, concerns... DISAPPEAR and NEVER come back!!! Why are you in my head?? Where do you originate from?? I should be thrilled right now... happy that some of the dreams I had for myself are finally becoming reality. I'm having a child, starting a family of my very own, and am sharing my life with a man that's perfect for me. I have a crazy amount of support from every direction and I love my family as well as his.
But its all happened so fast...
I feel like I'm stealing all of the plans Casey had for himself and making him go down a completely different path. As soon as he woke up yesterday morning the first words out of his mouth as he looked at me were "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." WHY do I have to keep judging myself??? This first thing that flashed in my head when he said that is why? Why me? I'm not very special in any way. I look around and see what others can offer, like a career that can better help to support this child, some kind of talent, I dunno theres tons of things.... things that I dont have. I have a heart, yes, but where does that get me?
Casey has everything. He has a great heart, a great soul, can make you laugh at any moment, has goals and priorities, an amazing family, morals and standards that you dont see people these days carrying, hes handsome, he works hard for the things he has, career oriented but still keeps family as a #1 priority, always has a smile of his face, knows just what to say and when to say it, has a way with words, he has fun with whatever he's doing, has an amazing sense of humor, knows who he is and what he wants... I could go on an on an on.... hes practically "super Casey" (yea i know that's cheesy) in my mind! I know I have the most amazing guy out there far!!! But why does he want me?
Why do I continue to doubt myself? Why cant I just be happy and realize there IS a reason he wants me? All these fears I have are going to do nothing but tear me apart and hinder Casey and I from moving on to the next step. I know this... so why cant I just STOP?!?! Will he marry me one day? I dont want to push the topic with him since I feel like I'm already taking so much... but if were going to live together, we have this child together, we've had no arguments or disagreements what so ever, we both love each other, then why not get married or at least engaged? I know we haven't known each other for very long but I think sometimes you just known when somethings ment to be.
I have SO much fun when I'm with Casey! We can be alone just layin in bed and laugh the whole time, we can be around others (it doesnt matter who) doing god knows what and have a blast, it doesnt matter what we do or where we are it's always entertaining!! He makes me happier and more comfortable than anyone else ever has!! SO WHY am I struggling even just a little? AHHHHHH!!!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
New Beginnings?
July and August... Wow! what a ride to say the least.
I've ended something in my life that did nothing but bring me down, and now I've found something that lifts me up more and more as time goes on. I still don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I have no solid career, I'm still living at home and working for my mom, and I'm still trying to completely comprehend who I really am and what I'm meant for. But does anyone really know what there meant to do? I dunno. The only thing I know for sure is that at this time in my life I'm living for one thing, to carry and have this child that's growing inside me.
When I found out that I was actually pregnant it came as a total shock.. its the very last thing I ever expected! But it happened and I couldn't ask for a better man than Casey for this be happening with. I'm just now approx. 7 weeks along and it has changed the way I think about EVERYTHING! But I'm scared. I dont know what to expect. I have no clue whats going to happen the next few mths, the mood swings I'm going to experience, the changes my body will go thru, how Casey will react. I'm scared not only because of this child but because I really havent known Casey that long. Will he really stand by me like others have said? I've dated some pretty harsh guys before that all put on a face at the beginning... that make me think there someone they're not... I always put all my faith in them and get let down and hurt. It has nothing to do with Casey because I want to have all the faith in the world in him, he really is someone I feel like I can trust with all my heart and soul... but I cant help but to think what if. I still cant get these creeping worries and thoughts in my head about if this child is actually his (even tho I'm almost 100%positive it is)... will he stick around if its not? I just need to stop... Casey is an amazing man, someone that I am lucky just to have in my life much less to have love me. Our morals, beliefs, and lives are so similar it scares me sometimes. He's the most devoted man that is full of heart, passionate that I know. He's carefree, caring, funny, outgoing, honest, full of life, smart, and every other positive adjective in the book that I cant think of right now!! I know the "new" feeling will wear off and we'll get out of the honeymoon stage, but I dont see us ever falling out of love. This is the first time I can honestly say I don't see anyone but him, and this family that we are starting.
What direction should I go in now? We want to move in together as soon as his house is complete, but what else should we do? I want him to want to be with me because hes in love with me, because he wants to be with me, not just for a child. Do we get married? How can I afford this child with the small amount of money I make? Am I even going to be a good mother? Should I get another job to save up before he/she is born?
Casey is SO excited to have a Casey baby... a little Jones to call his own, to love and cherish, and I know he'll be an amazing father. He's SO protective over me, always reminds me to take my vitamins, tells me he loves me a million times a day, shows me how much he wants to be with me with the little things he does, makes me lock the door when I stay in the truck somewhere, wont move the car until I have my seat belt on, he calls just to check on me, and spends all of his time with me once he's off work. So why do I question him? Just because of my past and for some stupid reason I'm questioning myself? I dont see what he sees in me, but I can promise him one thing. I will always treat him with the utmost respect, love and Cherish him, be completely devoted to him, always try and make him happy, always let him be Casey Jones without having to hold anything back, I'll always be honest to him and show him how much he means to me. Is it crazy that he means so much to me already?
Sorry my minds so all over the place...
When it comes to the little one growing inside of me it really is amazing how it changes the way you think, the things you do, the way you act immediately. It's not a problem for me to not drink, to not be around cigarettes, to not drink but one soda a day (which is what I lived off of lol), to take it easy and relax instead of being "wild and crazy", it came natural to stop actually thinking about myself and think about what I need to do for him/her to be happy and thrive once he's born, and to think about Casey. All I want now it to start this family and do everything in my power to make them love life like my family did for me.
Casey and I have SO much support from every direction that I dont know how we could not succeed. My family absolutely adors him and his family from what I can see at least seems to enjoy me. I feel at home at his parents house and being around his entire family and he seems to be able to make himself right at home with mine! I absolutely adore his parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews that I have gotten the privilege to meet! Everyone seems really happy for us.. there all excited and love the fact that we're going to be having another addition to the families (even though we could have handled this in a more traditional way... and gotten to know each other better before all of this happened). We've gotten tons of people offering to babysit and saying that they'd do whatever they could to help if we need it. So... why am I so worried? Is it just a normal thing?
I've ended something in my life that did nothing but bring me down, and now I've found something that lifts me up more and more as time goes on. I still don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I have no solid career, I'm still living at home and working for my mom, and I'm still trying to completely comprehend who I really am and what I'm meant for. But does anyone really know what there meant to do? I dunno. The only thing I know for sure is that at this time in my life I'm living for one thing, to carry and have this child that's growing inside me.
When I found out that I was actually pregnant it came as a total shock.. its the very last thing I ever expected! But it happened and I couldn't ask for a better man than Casey for this be happening with. I'm just now approx. 7 weeks along and it has changed the way I think about EVERYTHING! But I'm scared. I dont know what to expect. I have no clue whats going to happen the next few mths, the mood swings I'm going to experience, the changes my body will go thru, how Casey will react. I'm scared not only because of this child but because I really havent known Casey that long. Will he really stand by me like others have said? I've dated some pretty harsh guys before that all put on a face at the beginning... that make me think there someone they're not... I always put all my faith in them and get let down and hurt. It has nothing to do with Casey because I want to have all the faith in the world in him, he really is someone I feel like I can trust with all my heart and soul... but I cant help but to think what if. I still cant get these creeping worries and thoughts in my head about if this child is actually his (even tho I'm almost 100%positive it is)... will he stick around if its not? I just need to stop... Casey is an amazing man, someone that I am lucky just to have in my life much less to have love me. Our morals, beliefs, and lives are so similar it scares me sometimes. He's the most devoted man that is full of heart, passionate that I know. He's carefree, caring, funny, outgoing, honest, full of life, smart, and every other positive adjective in the book that I cant think of right now!! I know the "new" feeling will wear off and we'll get out of the honeymoon stage, but I dont see us ever falling out of love. This is the first time I can honestly say I don't see anyone but him, and this family that we are starting.
What direction should I go in now? We want to move in together as soon as his house is complete, but what else should we do? I want him to want to be with me because hes in love with me, because he wants to be with me, not just for a child. Do we get married? How can I afford this child with the small amount of money I make? Am I even going to be a good mother? Should I get another job to save up before he/she is born?
Casey is SO excited to have a Casey baby... a little Jones to call his own, to love and cherish, and I know he'll be an amazing father. He's SO protective over me, always reminds me to take my vitamins, tells me he loves me a million times a day, shows me how much he wants to be with me with the little things he does, makes me lock the door when I stay in the truck somewhere, wont move the car until I have my seat belt on, he calls just to check on me, and spends all of his time with me once he's off work. So why do I question him? Just because of my past and for some stupid reason I'm questioning myself? I dont see what he sees in me, but I can promise him one thing. I will always treat him with the utmost respect, love and Cherish him, be completely devoted to him, always try and make him happy, always let him be Casey Jones without having to hold anything back, I'll always be honest to him and show him how much he means to me. Is it crazy that he means so much to me already?
Sorry my minds so all over the place...
When it comes to the little one growing inside of me it really is amazing how it changes the way you think, the things you do, the way you act immediately. It's not a problem for me to not drink, to not be around cigarettes, to not drink but one soda a day (which is what I lived off of lol), to take it easy and relax instead of being "wild and crazy", it came natural to stop actually thinking about myself and think about what I need to do for him/her to be happy and thrive once he's born, and to think about Casey. All I want now it to start this family and do everything in my power to make them love life like my family did for me.
Casey and I have SO much support from every direction that I dont know how we could not succeed. My family absolutely adors him and his family from what I can see at least seems to enjoy me. I feel at home at his parents house and being around his entire family and he seems to be able to make himself right at home with mine! I absolutely adore his parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews that I have gotten the privilege to meet! Everyone seems really happy for us.. there all excited and love the fact that we're going to be having another addition to the families (even though we could have handled this in a more traditional way... and gotten to know each other better before all of this happened). We've gotten tons of people offering to babysit and saying that they'd do whatever they could to help if we need it. So... why am I so worried? Is it just a normal thing?
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