Trust...

Is trust something that should be earned or just given?

I consider myself a Christian... now I admit there's things that I need to work on to make that bond between the Lord and I infinitely stronger... but when it comes to trust I hear the lords words:

Psalm 118:8
It is better to trust in the LORD
than to put confidence in man.
Psalm 118:9
It is better to take refuge in the LORD Than to trust in princes.

As much as it pains me to say this... I'm having a hard time trusting even with my beliefs. Honestly I'm even having a hard time trusting myself! Am I making the right decisions? I realize that everyone goes through major struggles in their life that make them feel, think, react, and understand things differently than any other human being in the world. But some of the things I've been through make me wonder if you should simply give away trust to the people that come into your life, or if you should protect yourself and make them earn it.

How do you let go of the past, get over the fact that people that have let you down (which will happen your entire life), and open your heart to believe in someone? So many time I have put my heart out there and been let down, stepped on, disappointed. So, its hard to just let go and understand that maybe the important people really do like me for who I am. But do they really know the real me if I'm hiding behind my insecurities? Who am I? It's like I've built this shield around my heart and soul... and I truly believe that it's hurting me more that protecting me! I'm always second guessing myself and whats going on around me, I'm scared of disappointing someone to the point where my insecurities end up making things worse because I worry to much, and I'm constantly wondering if I'm worth someones time.

So not only does my past affect me, my frame of mind at this time in my life is also hurting me. It's not fair at all to those who I hold close to my heart that I feel this way. It makes us more distant and is almost as if I'm keeping them an arms distance away so that nothing can get to me. I have to stop this madness somehow and pull out of this state of mind but I just dont know how. I let people in, but only to a certain degree, once I reach a certain point in the relationship I start tearing myself down by worrying about what if...

Why, why am I making someone earn my trust now instead of just being the person I really am and giving them all of me? I trust that the Lord will bring me the person that I am meant to be with, and he may already be in my life, but how can I just open up and live my life the best way possible with all this in my head?

I need to just be thankful for the things that I do have in my life. I have an AMAZING family whose hearts are pure, two beautiful dogs, a job that supports my needs, endless possibilities ahead, I'm almost finished with my masters degree, I practically have no debt minus a school loan, love in my heart, and the list could go on and on but that's not the purpose of this post lol.
I know I'm a unique individual whose thinks about others before myself, but I just feel so lost at this point in time.

How to I show the man in my life the real me and stop letting my fears take control? How do I get out of this mentality that everything I do is wrong? I want SO bad to live in the moment, for the future, instead of letting my past dictate my life. I just want to be different... I want someone to see me differently than they do everyone else. I want to be able to show him the passion that he deserves and finally give my whole heart to someone who respects me for me.

How do I get back to reality? Why am I here? I want to be me again.