Worthy?

"In order to receive love you have to believe you are worthy of it."

I've had this quote in my head for a few days now... and I cannot stop thinking about its relevance in my life. Am I worthy of love? If anyone ever asked that question to me about themselves I would say, "of course you are... everyone is worthy of love! Its a gift given to us by the one above!" But when I think about myself it makes me wonder. Every time I turn around another "friend" is getting engaged, married, putting up status' referring to how happy in love they are, posting pictures of themselves and their significant others showing how happy they are, etc., I'm sure you understand where I'm going with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but it kind of sucks at the same time because they have something I want. Wow I sound greedy! It's a dream of mine (that I don't know will ever come true) to have someone that truly cares about me the same as I care about them... someone that respects, loves, honors, cares, and has the same passion in their heart for me as I do for them.

It's probably a dream that every girl has.... to find a man, fall in love, get married, start a family, and live happily ever after (hahahaha fairy tale in my mind at this point). I've gotten to experience a lot when it comes to "love" (I'm putting in quotes simply because my view of the term has changed so much over time to the point that I don't know if I even know what it means anymore), I've had guys tell me they love me, I've said it to guys I fell for, I've had an amazing time and then the worst times of my life with someone that has said those words to me. Why does everything I put my heart into always fail? It's haunting me... am I not worthy?

Once again I have fallen, and fallen pretty hard for a man, and I cannot figure out if his heart and mine are in the same place. We're still brand new as a couple, but I'm already conflicted, I feel as if I care more about him than he does about me. Maybe this is my fault... I fall way to hard way to fast and give myself 100 percent to the person I'm with. I strive to do everything in my power to make him happy, and do for him as I would want someone to do for me. I let my insecurities take hold of my actions far to much as well. For example, I worry from the beginning about what I'm doing wrong to the point where I actually do do something wrong. Its an endless cycle that's relentless.

Why can I not stop thinking about my past and the bad things I've experienced, stop bringing my faults into my new relationships, and find someone that loves me for me? I am willing to give my heart completely to my boyfriend, let go of my fears, let him in to my life and who I am without all my worries so he can know the real girl behind them, break down my wall and just be happy to have him in my life, share every intimate detail with him, show him how much I know he deserves, treat him like a prince... but how can I do this with the feeling that I'm not worthy?

I am only an ordinary girl, I have a huge heart, I'm quiet at times unless you talk about something that I'm really passionate about, I have a thirst for doing anything I can to make those I care about happy, I'm honest with my feelings and everything else, I love living in the moment and making the most of what I have... but lately... it feels like I could disappear and it wouldn't matter. I'm already lost, in all the insanities that creep into my mind. So why not completely vanish. How do I feel worthy again so that I can receive the love I desperately desire?