Thats all I want... you can say im selfish if you think I am... but right now I need him. I still see all my dreams coming true but why do I at some points feel alone right now? I have my family constaintly around me all the time and everyone wanting to take care of me... but still I feel something pulling at me thats not quite right. I think its just alone time with Casey that I'm desiring. He's great, I promise he is, I know he'd do anything for me. Right now tho... there's alot of more important things going on with him thats taking all his time. His house plans are constaintly changing so he never knows what hes going to have to do next, he's always at his land working getting things ready, his friends are constaintly pulling at him making him feel bad that he's not just hangin out with them anymore, his amazing family takes him away some, work keeps him from me on all the other days when his phone actually rings, on the weekends there constaint freakin parties at my house and everyone begs him to stay out and party, the list can prob. go on and on...
But I'm selfish, I want him. I want him to want me as much as I want him and need him. For examply yesterday I really felt horrible, down, low ect. but I got to see him all of an hour. While I was trying to make some extra cash (and yea I know workin at north I dont make much, but every little bit helps me and this baby), he took a bath at his moms house, hung out with his family and then went to fox and the hound with all of his friends drinking. I was home by myself, sittin in bed, feelin like shit, and reading up on this Medicaid stuff so that I'm not in debt up to my eyeballs from just having this child. UGH! I guess I am a little selfish but I'm not like most other girls, I dont want to send him away on a business trip, I dont need my own space, I just want him! I know he needs time with his friends, I totally comprehend that guys need their guy time. But when can I have some alone time when hes not just comin home to take a shower, eat his oreos and milk, and pass out in bed? Is it just the pregnancy makin me this emotional?
I feel like this always happens to me... do I bring this upon myself? Am I just being irrational? Is my way of thinking skewed? I dunno, I'm confused to say the least. Not mad, angry, frusturated, just... down at the moment. I just went thru this with two other guys... they didnt have time for me, and it tore me apart. For some reason I want to be needed, desired as much as I desire the other person. Maybe with Casey he really does though? He says he does. But I've heard that before lol. I've heard it ALL before. Maybe my problem stems from the fact that casey and I are actually still a really new couple and I just want to get to know the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with on a deeper level. It's all happeneing so fast that I just want to take a time out and spend some time getting to know who he and I are together. Hopefully I'll be able to figure out all this mess thats going on in my head soon so I can just enjoy the blessings in my life right now.
I get to hear the heartbeat for the first time this afternoon!!! I cant wait to hear the life that we've made :) Maybe he/she can help to lift my spirits!! I just hope this being tired all the time will stop soon so I can keep my eyes open for more than 4 hours at a time lol. Week 13 here we come!
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